Moral Indecision
by Jstoli6
Summary: Multiple POV "We need you to assassinate Major General Washington."... I hang my head. My Alexander… The revolution… God this shouldn't even be a hard choice, but Alexander…. I pick my head up and look straight forward. "Fuck you and everything you stand for." "Does that mean we kill you and ole' violet eyes or-" "I'll do it, bastard." My eyes harden, face set. Fuck.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N I don't know if much is historically accurate except for the time period typical homophobia. Trigger warnings for suicide mentions and character death. Sorry in advance.**

John's POV

There's a sting on my cheek and my eyes spring open. Blinking I try to look around the room, but I can't see. Shaking my head I come to senses and realize that I'm bound to a chair. Blindfolded. Great. Suddenly, I hear a voice.

"Well if it isn't the famous Lt. Col Laurens." he sneers and I can hear him walk closer. "You're going to be of some use to us today" he sounds closer, close enough… I go for it and spit at, what I hope, the center of his face. Maybe he recoils, I don't know, but his voice is farther away next time he speaks.

"Such disobedience. Can't we all get along?" And then I double over, the best I can tied up, when I get a hard swing to the gut. Faceless person number two, I presume, then gets a nice one right to my jaw. I grunt through the pain that's now a dull throb. Really not how I planned my evening.

"What do you want?" I relent, knowing I might as well get the request out of the way. I mentally snort, knowing I'd rather die than do what they ask.

"You and Lieutenant Colonel Hamilton are close, yes?" He says instead of answering. I tense up, not replying. They couldn't know…

"Because at exactly 0600 yesterday, you and Hamilton had breakfast together. Then at 0625, he went back to his tent." I froze. Did they... "The Marquis entered at precisely 0658, and together they met up with Major General Washington. You went and met Hamilton to work with him after his meeting at 0845." Mentally I went through the entire morning that day, slowly coming to a conclusion I didn't like. They were tailing Alexander, my Alexander.

"You're tailing him?"

"And he hit the jackpot, first try. I thought I would have to go all the way to 1040 where you and-"

"Ok, I get it. How does this affect me?" I lie right through my teeth. Just knowing the information affected me more than I would like to admit. As he replied, I could practically hear the smirk on his face.

"He's 'the closest friend you've got' according to you. Now keep this information in mind when we ask you our favor." I grit my teeth.

"We need you to assassinate Major General Washington." I take a sharp breath in and hang my head. My Alexander… The revolution… God this shouldn't even be hard choice, but Alexander…. I pick my head up and look straight forward.

"Fuck you and everything you stand for."

"Does that mean we kill you and ole' violet eyes or-"

"I'll do it, bastard." My eyes harden, face set. Fuck.

Washington's POV

I've always considered myself a good judge of character. I always thought I was good at reading emotions, people's intention, the truth. So how the hell did I not see this coming? Lieutenant Colonel Laurens. One of my aide de camps. A spy. Who is now aiming a gun at my head. In my defense he fooled everyone. He even had close friends within camp. I keep my face neutral, not wanting to lose my facade that is so similar to his current stony face.

"You really fooled everyone Lt. Col" he doesn't respond so I continue, "You were near the bottom on the list on suspected spies. Eve-" He cuts me off.

"You know, when one is about be to be killed they don't usually continue to talk"

"When one is about to assassinate someone they don't usually hesitate" I counter.

"It's not hesitation"

"Guards are posted outside. I could just as easily shout rather than conversing with you"

"Then I would shoot you." There's no emotion in his tone. Not fear, glee, arrogance, remorse. Nothing.

"You're going to shoot me anyway, I thought." No reply. I have to stall till someone comes in.

"Why? Why would you throw your life away for the King's cause?" He flinches. Why? "Call it a dying wish for an answer."

"I have to." He whispers. His voice is the only tell of emotion, for his stony expression remain. "Or they'll-" My eyes widen. Is he being threatened?

"They'll what? Laurens wha-" His face lights up like he's suddenly had a realization.

"I'm going to miss, sir."

"Wait-"

"I'm going to shoot at you and miss." he pauses, looking morose, then continues. "Sir, I want you to know that I am dedicated to this cause, I am for freedom. I am am on the side of America. I don't want my legacy to be a traitor. Sir please. Call it a dying man's wish"

"Laurens, just tell me why you feel you must shoot me."

"I can't sir. But you must promise me I won't become a traitor, not like this. I don't want- I" He sighs, "It's the only way.." He seems to be convincing himself more than me.

"This is suicide. If they're threatening you, I can help you. I-"

"I'm not worth it if your plan doesn't work. The consequences-" he cuts himself off again. "Look, there are actually spies in this camp who are going to rush in here the moment I 'shoot you.' One of them is t-" he's interrupted by the sound of boots outside the tent. The flap opens and a familiar voice speaks. Hamilton has entered the tent.

"His excellency, sir, I have-" He freezes at the sight of Lt. Col Laurens, mouth open wide in shock. His almost violet eyes he's so famous for stare at Lt. Col, full of betrayal. At the sound of Hamilton's voice Laurens wilts, eyes shut in defeat.

"John-"

"I wouldn't move if I were you." His voice is emotionless, so unlike Hamilton's pleading tone. And we're back to square one.

"John what-"

"Alexander please don't make this harder."

"Harder? Why are you-"

"Stop."

"No! You don't get to do that. Was all it a lie, were they all lies? We wrote side by side, we fought side by side, we've even dueled side by side! I confided in you! You were the closest friend I had, so spy or not I sure as hell deserve an explanation!"

"I don't have choice!" He strangles out of his throat. While his body hasn't moved from the threatening stance, but his face has broken with defeat.

"He says he was going to miss on purpose." I finally speak. Hamilton seems like he hears me, but his eyes haven't left Laurens.

"I don't understand, that's suicide. Why must you do this?" I would laugh at the deja vu if the situation weren't so dire and his tone wasn't pleading...desperate. Gun still raised, Laurens turns to face Hamilton. Detachedly once more, he spoke.

"You have a trail. He's been following you for days now and they had proof." Our eyes widen. "I suspect he's there now and he will feel suspicious if a gun doesn't go off soon."

"My dearest laurens I'm not worth that." I raise my eyebrows. His dearest? Hamilton continues, "My past, my current status, money situ-"

"Despite that you'll change the world. I've sinned far too much. I've got no chance of redemption."

"Laurens-"

"I sinned with Martha, my beliefs, my family, my father." He pauses. "With you." Wait, what?

"That was not a sin, that was-"

"But you're a genius. You've got drive, ambition, you'll change the world. I won't, I won-" He sounds resigned to his fate, like he accepted it already.

"I thought we were gonna change the world together?" Hamilton voice cracks at the end. Laurens sighs.

"That was fool man's dream. One made during happier hours, when were so full of hope." Now Laurens voice is the one wavering.

"But does it have to be a dream!" He cries.

"Get ready for the spies that will evidently enter once I miss" He seemed to be trying to reign in his emotions.

"John-"

"I'm sorry my dearest"

"Don't do it."

"I love you" John croaks out so quietly I almost miss it.

"John please!" Laurens turn back and faces me.

"I'm not worth it!" He points the gun to right of my head.

"There has to be another way!" He takes a deep breath, a determined look on his face.

"What about your promise!" At this plead Laurens falters slightly, but quickly recovers.

"I love you too…" Then, quicker than we could process, Laurens turns the gun unto himself and fires.

 **AH. I'm sorry, this ending is so bad! If it wasn't clear, at the end it's Alexander speaking and John doing the actions. Not going to leave it open ended, they'll be another chapter. There will be flashbacks and maybe I'll even add Lafayette.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N I hope I didn't lay his grief on too thick, I was trying not to but Ham is sad. Also, there's kissing (multiple types) but no porn. I, personally, am not comfortable writing that, even with plot involved. Trigger warnings; character death, guiltiness/self hate, & period typical homophobia. Google-translate French (sorry) and the underlined words are flashbacks. Enjoy!**

Alexander's POV

I watched as my John's body fell to the ground. Shock, despair. _There was still hope my dearest._ Vaguely I heard Washington say a sharp command. I could feel my hands start to load my pistol, but everything was detached. The spies rushed in. I saw my hand aim and fire at one, Washington at the other two. I would have smiled at their deaths if I had been fully present. Then the guards entered. _Too fucking late._ I registered myself walking shakily over to John and dropping to my knees at his side. If I was listening I'd hear Washington talking to the guards, telling them to keep this quiet for now and find my tail, but I wasn't. My eyes were locked on John, his pale face. His eyes that were once so lively and full of spirit, the ones that were just pleading for me to understand minutes before, were now empty and unseeing. The hand that I was cradling like a life line was cold and limp, the gun wound that I couldn't bear to look at was bloody, the body that used to do so many things to me was now crumpled and still. _Because of me. He was protecting me._ I'm shook out my thoughts when I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"Come on son, let's go back to your tent." I don't respond, not even with my customary 'notcha son.' There's no nod, no sign that I heard him, I just keep staring. Washington must have helped to my feet at some point because now I'm standing, but I don't even remember letting go of his hand. I can feel him start to lead me away, but I don't want to move. He forces a little harder so I wrench my gaze away and allow myself to be lead. Numb. Broken. Belatedly, I realize we've reached my tent and I feel myself being ushered inside.

"Alex-" He starts.

"I'd like to be left alone, sir" My voice is quiet and emotionless, probably scratchy as well. Washington's face looks hesitant, but he nods and walks out the tent. Then I look around. _Mistake._ Laurens. His stuff is everywhere, for he has more than I. Abruptly the shock fades, I'm brought back to reality and it hits me. Hard. I fall to my knees, the pain in my chest far worse than I could have imagined. _He's gone, he's gone._ Suddenly a brutal sob rips through me and the dam is broken. Tears flood my cheeks, bursting out of my eyes like I've never cried before. Painful, ugly sobs push their way out of my mouth, making my chest ache even more than it already does. I close my eyes because looking at the tent hurts, the memories hurt, life without him hurts. _I already miss him._ I want to scream, maybe I do, I don't know but suddenly the anguish and suffering shifts to anger. If there's a God, he is cruel, I decide. There is no mercy, no love, just cruel twists of fate that rip you up until you join Him. I was never religious, but I pray now. Not out of love for Him, but anger. Out of the loathing that creeps up on me and makes me want to hit something. _Why?_ I want to shout. _Why, after everyone I've lost, must you take the last person I loved away!_ I jump up from my knees and walk towards the closest thing and kick it. Hard. My foot smashes against something and I feel my anger fade as I see what I kicked. A desk. The lone desk in our tent. The shift from rage to sorrow was so fast I got whiplash and was suddenly lost in a memory.

The familiar sound of a quill scratching on parchment filled my ears. It was late, after a long day of work, but John and I were still writing away. These essays we write, inspired by Laurens, were about convincing others to abolish slavery or at least let them fight. We were in the measly tent we shared. The tent that only accommodates one desk. The desk that forces us to sit rather close. And if I was distracted by the way his thigh was pressed against mine than nobody needed to know. I was writing my third sentence of my new page when John spoke up.

"Alright, let's turn in for the night. It's late and our work will be no good if we're sleep deprived."

"But my dear Laurens, I'm almost done" I replied and flashed him my winning smile. He glanced at my almost bare paper and raised an eyebrow. I sighed in defeat and got up, missing the warmth his body provided.

"Ok, ok, we'll try to sleep. But I don't know how I'll manage in the freezing weather anyway." Laurens pauses, as if he's considering something, then speaks.

"You know, men have been saying that they've been sharing a bed to keep warm. We could try that?" I tense. I had also heard of others doing do, but could I be that close to John and keep my self control. _Oh but how I want to…_

"Sure" I reply against my better judgement.

We were in bed. Together. _This is not how I imagined it in my fantasies…_ There's was an awkward pause, like neither of us knew what to do in this intimate setting. I decided to lighten the mood.

"Small spoon or big spoon?" I asked in a teasing voice. He flushed, but smiled. Mission accomplished… or it would be if one chose to ignore the way my heart sped up a bit when he smiled at me like that.

"Could we just face each other" He asked, seemingly innocent. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._

"If you insist, my dearest Laurens." I froze at the nickname, for it had just rolled off my tongue, but he didn't seem to mind. We shifted a bit to get into a more comfortable position and settled down like we were going to sleep, but neither of us closed our eyes. There was heat, an intensity in his gaze that I was afraid to label, so I spoke.

"Are you warmer?"

"A little, yeah" He shifted slightly and I felt his crotch accidentally rub against my thigh. _Keep it together Hamilton._ The eye contact continued. His beautiful face was so close to mine, I could faintly feel his soft breaths. A civil war was in full force within me of whether I should go for it or not. For a moment I thought I saw the same battle though his eyes, but only for a mere second. _Fuck it, I'm known for rashness._ I moved my head closer to his.

"I know an even better way we can warm up" I said suggestively. His eyes widened at the implication, a blush filling his cheeks. Wordlessly he nodded and I moved closer, slowly so he could push me away if he wished. Then our lips connected. At first it was slow, hesitant, but quickly it became desperate. Laurens grabbed my waist and pulled me closer and I tangled my hands in his hair. Maybe it lasted a minute, days, I don't know. I was on top of John, closer than I ever thought possible. It was pure bliss for those moments, until I was abruptly shoved off and ripped back into reality. I hit the ground and, while it didn't hurt, I sat there. Frozen. _Shit. I fucked up. Not matter how great that was, it's not worth the loss of John._ I looked up at John, he was sitting up now, head cradled in his hands. _I did this to him…_

"I'm sorry." he looks up.

"No it's not you, it's just…" he trails off. _You're a fucking idiot Hamilton._ Sighing, I push myself to my feet.

"I'll go back to my bed now" I'm about to turn around when he speaks again.

"Wait." He pauses then continues when I raise my eyebrows. "I didn't mean to push you off." My eyebrows furrow. _Oh whoops, my hands slipped and I broke your heart, my bad._ Seeing my confusion he plowed on again.

"I mean, I didn't want to push you off, because I liked the kiss I just- can we- is it- I" He was stuttering so I cut him off.

"Ok, so you liked the kiss, but pushed me off anyway." He nods. "Then why did you push me off." _I feel like I'm missing something..._

"Because I-I mean- well its just that-"

"Laurens."

"It's not right!" He blurted out. _Ouch, that kinda hurts._

"Oh."

"I liked it, and I like you, but that's the problem. I shouldn't like you, you're normal. You like girls, you-" _Oh, I see now_

"I like you a lot too Laurens" He looks up at me, eyes battling what emotion to project.

"You shouldn't"

"But I do." I sit back down on the bed.

"It's sin"

"Love is never a sin, no matter what form." I move a little closer. "If you don't want to do this, that's fine I'll back off. But if you do." Our faces our inches apart now. "Just say the words." He didn't speak for a moment and fear settled in my gut. Then, as quick as it came, it left when John finally replied.

"Kiss me" he whispered, breath mingling with mine. I smiled and did just that.

God…. that was just the first of many nights together. I start to laugh, bitterly, borderline hysterically. _I would've killed him anyway, we weren't that careful. If he didn't die tonight, he would've just fallen by my hand later._ There are tears running down my face, I can't even tell if I'm crying or laughing; probably a bit of both. I stumble backwards and land on our cot. The one we always shared. The one where we went so far, but never far enough. _My fault, my fault, my fault._ The pain that builds in my chest in blinding. Placing my head in my hands, I'm thrown into another memory.

It was a late night, and our crew was still at the bar. Hercules was leaving tomorrow on secret business and we wanted to have a proper going away party…. Which is basically John, Lafayette, Hercules, and I at a bar. We were totally sloshed. I had actually lost count of the round we were on, didn't even know what we were drinking too anymore. John and I were sitting close. Too close. So close that it would be concerning if we weren't drunk in a near deserted bar, and the only people who might notice definitely won't remember in the morning. John's hand has been resting on my thigh, drawing circles, driving me mad. _If his hand inches up even a little bit more…_ Lafayette was saying something funny, and I went to add my two cents when my breath hitched. _That teasing little shit._ John's hand had moved up a lot farther. Too far. My eyes went dark and I jumped up abruptly on my seat and turned to Laf and Herc, not before missing the smirk on my dearest face. _He's going to get it._

"We're gonna turn in for the night" Lafayette frowned.

"But Alexandre you must rester at ze bar" He slurred, unconsciously slipping into French. (But Alexander you must stay at the bar)

"Too bad, we're tired, and we've got work to do early tomorrow." Then I turned to Herc, "I don't know how hungover I'll be, but I'll try to see you off in the morning." My words were slurring, but even drunk I can talk way to much. John gave a quick goodbye and I grabbed his arm and dragged us out of there. We drunkenly stumbled back to the tent, leaning on each other for support. My hormones were rushing and it took all my self control not to pin him against every post we passed. _That might give us away._ We reached the tent, closed the flap, and with no preamble my mouth attacked his. I heard a soft gasp and used the opportunity to shove my tongue in his mouth. He gave a quiet and content moan and we stumbled back towards the bed. We disconnected and as we fall and I pin him down. He was still smirking.

"In a rush, are we." At this I growled. Then I dipped down really close, my breath tickling his ear.

"Two can play at this game." Laurens shivered, and we went at it.

I run my hand over his pillow. _Even when intoxicated I remember everything about Laurens._ His smile, his laugh. How he loved to doodle on unused papers, how our thighs used to press together under the desk so no one would notice, or how he used to actually listen to me instead of shushing me. How quickly his eyes could turn fiery at almost any injustice, how he would bite his bottom lip when he was writing or focusing too hard, how he would fiddle with his sleeves when he was nervous, how he loved to rebel against anything unfair, how he tried to always hide his emotions behind a mask, or how his eyes shone with affection when he stared at me…. _Your fault, your fault, your fault._ I bury my face in my pillow and cry myself to sleep.

Washington's POV

It's been a week. A week since I was almost killed, since Laurens died, since everything has gone to shit. Or gone to shit within my staff. The war was at a relatively stable point, for the spies were quickly disposed of. The night after I dropped Hamilton off, I stayed outside for moment and I heard the sobs, hell the surrounding tents heard the sobs. Heart wrenching. The next morning Hamilton was up and in the tent working, not in his usual spot I observed, but working. He would barely look up, as if he couldn't handle seeing the empty desk. He wrote diligently all day and everyday since, but he hasn't smiled. He hasn't talked to anyone if it wasn't related to work, he hasn't joked, hasn't debated anyone, he hasn't even complained about congress. Nothing.

Everyone knows what happened to Lt. Col. Laurens, everyone's been talking about it, but no ones dared to bring it up to Alexander. Instead people just watch and gossip from afar, judging his choice to shoot himself like it's grade school and we're not in the middle of a war. The camp doesn't know about the tail on Alexander, how he didn't really want to die, or how close Laurens and Hamilton were; and they never will. Based off their last conversation I have assumptions, but I can't afford to spare too much time thinking about the nature of their relationship lest I have to make some staff changes that I don't want to make. Shaking my head I continue working at my desk near my aides when a messenger burst into the large tent.

"General Washington sir, someone has arrived." Not in the mood to converse, I merely raise my eyebrows in a silent question.

"The Marquis, sir." I nod and dismiss him from my tent. Looking at my aides, who were all obviously listening, only Hamilton's head was still perked up. When he notices me looking, however, he quickly puts his head down and start writing furiously. _Maybe seeing Lafayette will be good for him._

"Hamilton." He picks his head up and straightens his back.

"Yes sir?"

"Go meet the Marquis and tell him to come here at 1200."

"Yes sir." He covers his ink, stands up, and walks out the tent. I'm feeling pretty satisfied with myself until I freeze with a realization. _Lafayette doesn't know about Laurens._

 **A/N Oh shit, that's not good. Lololololololol. Hope I didn't overdo it with the sadness, I thought it was appropriate. Also, my bad, I lied. Laf will be in the next chapter so stay tuned.**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Laf is actually here this time. Sorry for the wait.** **IMPORTANT TO PLOT:** **Timeline in this is wayyyy off. Lee vs Laurens duel in mentioned, but Ham hasn't met Eliza yet. Winter's ball hasn't even happened yet. Tons of historical inaccuracies. Trigger warnings include self-hate, mentions of suicide, & time period typical homophobia. **

Lafayette's POV

My horse finally came to a stop at the camps entrance. Slowing it down to a slow trot I send a messenger to alert Washington of my arrival. _It'll be good to see him and my friends again, it's been awhile._ Absentmindedly I get off my horse in deep thought. _Of course, Mulligan still on his secret mission, but Hammy and Laurens will still be here. Maybe I could treat them to a round of drinks tonight to catch up._ Lost in thought I don't even notice Hamilton approach till I hear him.

"Hey, Laf. Meeting with Washington at 1200." My head spins towards him.

"Monsieur Hamilton!" I run towards him and gather him into a hug. I hear him give a faint chuckle and reluctantly wrap his arms around me.

"I had almost forgotten a hug is your customary greeting for everyone, and I mean everyone." I blush a little at this.

"A man hugs a Major General once and suddenly that his signature greeting"

"It was your first time meeting him and in front of half the Continental Army, so it got around quick." I give a small laugh.

"Either way, it's good to see you." And it is. There are mostly only older Generals with older staffs. Its gets kind of lonely when you're the youngest one in every room.

"Good to see you too." he sounds almost bitter as he says this. I glance over at him, but he's looked away already, so I shrug it off. _It's probably been a long day if Washington sent Ham to greet me._

"Long day?" He chuckles darkly again.

"You could say that." His tone is so off from normal that I actually stop and really look at him. Besides the army-typical lack of meat on his bones and purple bag under his eyes, he looks fine.

"Hey. are you alright"

"Ya, I'm fine." He pauses a beat. "I just noticed, you've gotten better at English since I last saw you. You haven't slipped into French on accident once." _An obvious subject change if I ever saw one._ I sigh.

"I was wondering when you'd notice. I slip up every once in a while, but now English is easy as cake."

"Pie." He corrects, a small smile on his face.

"Same thing." No laugh, no cocky attitude, nothing. _What is wrong with you?_ Lauren's has always been better at reading Alexander, I'll ask him.

"Hey Ham, where's Laurens at? I want to say hi before my meeting with the General." Hamilton stops dead in his tracks, smile gone.

"Alexander?"

"Um, I gotta go, see you later." And just like that, he rushed off. _Well that was weird._

It was 1150 when I arrive at Washington's tent. I wanted to arrive early to talk about Alexander, this morning was just too weird.

"Sir?"

"Ah, Lafayette it's good to see you."

"You as well." And, of course, I give him a hug as well.

"You know you're ten minutes early?"

"I do sir, I wanted to ask you something though. It's about Alexander." Washington slumps and looks at me with sad eyes. _What the hell happened to Alex?_

"Yes?"

"What's wrong with him?" Washington hesitates, as if he doesn't know how to tell me. Impatiently I raise my eyebrows. Taking the hint, he sighs again.

"Laurens died last week." I blink. Out of everything I was expecting to come out of his mouth, that was not it.

"Merde" I breathed out. (shit) Absentmindedly I sink into a chair, legs unable to support me. _Laurens is gone?_ It's weird to say, even in my mind, for he was always so lively and full of spirit. It's hard to imagine him dead, but so easy at the same time. John was passionate about the revolution, always ready to die for his country.

"How?" It's all I can get out, not in a space to form full sentences.

"Technically by his own hand but-" My head snaps up.

"He what!"

"Calm down!" Washington barks. Then in a softer tone he continues, "Let me finish. John was captured by British soldiers who told him to assassinate me. Knowing he would never do this, the Redcoats were tailing Hamilton and threatened to shoot him if he didn't. Once inside the tent, he almost came to the conclusion that he would 'miss' but then Alexander came in. Knowing he had less time now that Hamilton's tail was watching he shot himself. This way, a gun went off and a body dropped, it just wasn't mine. I guess he also figured they'd be less likely to shoot Hamilton if he wasn't useful as leverage anymore."

"Merde" I breathed out again. Of course Alexander had to watch, he seems to have the worst luck.

"Lafayette." I jump, lost in thought.

"Sir?"

"If you need a minute, I can reschedule the meeting-" I plaster the best smile on my face that I can. _Grieve later._

"I'm fine sir." He gave me a skeptical look, so my fake smile widens.

"Ok, but I'll try to keep this short." It was only when he turned away did I allow myself to frown again.

Hamilton's POV

 _Dammit Marie-Joseph way to many fucking name Lafayette._ I marched back to my tent, not letting my emotions show on my face. He didn't know, and it was so nice to pretend, even for just a second, that he wasn't really gone. I push open the flap and slam myself down onto the cot. His cot. I wipe angrily at my face, pushing away the few tears that slipped out. _Keep it together Hamilton._ I'm better than this. The mere mention of Laurens shouldn't send me into tears. Sighing, I dry my face and march out of my tent and back to the aide-de-camp tent. Without looking at anyone, I enter, sit at my desk, and get back to work. It's a nice distraction, I tell myself. I don't even think about him, I tell myself. So why won't the pain go away? Why don't I believe myself?

It isn't until later, when I've just returned from work, does Lafayette come to my tent. He silently slips in, a nod in my direction, and seats himself. He looks at me for a minute, and I stare right back. There's only a small sign of pity on his face, most of it is understanding. _Obviously he gets it Hamilton, he lost a friend too… but they were only friends..._ I break the eye contact and look down. That's when I spot the bottle in his hand. _Thank god._

"Good. I don't think I would be able to have this conversation sober." A faint laugh escapes him.

"Me neither." At these words he simply pops the cap, takes a swig, and hands it off to me.

"Figured we didn't need glasses." I respond my taking an extra long sip.

Lafayette's POV

I was sloshed. In my defense, Alex was worse, but the statement still stands. _At least I'll remember tonight in the morning._ I came into his tent an hour ago and we quickly got drunk. Drinking to the death of our friend John, or more like drinking to forget the death of John. Alex was collapsed of his cot, almost passed out, when he finally approached the subject.

"Laf why does it hurt so bad." He slurred.

"What?"

"My chest. All the time hurts now. It's like-it's like my heart is gone." In my drunken state, this doesn't really make much sense.

"Is it?"

"No… but it feels like it."

"It's cause you loveeedddd himmmm Alexandre." He giggles.

"I loved him way too much, apparently." _I'm too drunk for this conversation._

"Impossible."

"I sinned laf, siiiinnnnnnned." _He can't be implying…_

"No you didn't."

"Uh huh. I sinnnned so much with him that he had to shoot himself. Did you know that it was my fault?" He's crying now, not hard, but enough. _Never pegged him as a sad drunk._ "He shot himself cause I'm stuuupid and don't know when I being followed."

"Not your fault mon ami."

"Ya it tis, I kill a lot of people. Like my mum and my cousin… John should have shot me." _When I get sober again..._

"Alex, don't say that."

"You're right, cause then he'd be sad, but he don't deserve that."

"It's s'not you or John's fault, it's the Redcoat spies's."

"Ask Wash, he knows it was all meeee." _Why did I think intoxication was a good idea?_

"Ok, got to bed Ham. we'll ask him in the morning." _We'll be talking in the morning._

"Ok." He mumbles, and quickly we fall asleep.

Alexander's POV (Read A/N for this next part to make sense.)

 _Alcohol makes falling asleep easier._ I muse as I slip out of consciousness. Laf's quiet goodnight is the last thing I hear before I'm sucked away from the land of the living into my dreams.

I stomp out of Washington's tent, fuming. In my anger, I don't even realise where I'm going until I run right into Laurens.

"Sorr- oh hi John!"

"Jesus Christ Alex, what's got you so angry."

"Fucking Charles Lee ! Washington won't let me challenge him to a duel, so he's just strutting around camp saying whatever the hell he wants and-" John grabs me by my shoulders.

"Alex, breath." I start to. "I'll do it." And then I choke on my breath. Laughing, Laurens pats my back twice as I cough.

"You'll do it?" I ask incredulously, and kind of nervously. _Risking my life is one thing, but John's…._

"Sure, he never said I couldn't." He smiles at me, and my knees go weak.

The dream shifts, suddenly we're in my tent, night before the duel.

John and I were laying on our cot, like usual, but there was tension in the air. Tension that's been gone since our first night. Uncertainty.

"The duel is tomorrow."

"Yep." We make eye contact, similar thoughts racing through our brains.

"Make sure you hit him first."

"Alex-"

"Don't get shot, cheat if you have to, just don't-"

"Alexander, I'll be fine." I shiver at the way he says my name.

"Don't throw away your shot." He smiles and nuzzles into my chest.

"Wouldn't dream of it." He murmurs. I kiss the top his head, and we fall asleep like that. Comfy, cozy. Content.

The dream shifts again. Now we're at the dueling grounds, but something feels off.

"9-10, FIRE!" I glance towards Lee, expecting to see him getting shot, but he's not. Suddenly, Charles's image shimmers and becomes John. Confused, I look back to where John was, but that turned into me aiming at John. Dream me fires and hits my John in the head, blowing his brains out. I rush over to his fallen form, which looks eerily similar to the one last week. He's not dead tjough.

"Your fault, Alex. Why'd you have to shoot me?" Tears are dripping down my face.

"I didn't want you to die! I promise I love-"

"If you loved me you would've fought harder."

"John I-"

"If you loved me you wouldn't of killed me."

"But I… " Laurens dies in my arms, again, but different. Unexpectedly, I hear footsteps behind me. I turn around and myself, dream me, is standing there.

"Nothing but a bastard and you'll never be anything more."

"That's not true!" But we both know I don't believe myself. I never do.

 **This chapter almost felt like a filler chapter. Did it sound choppy to anyone else, or is that just me over reading my own work? Note: I don't really know where I'm going with this story, but it'll probably end with him finally moving on and maybe I'll add an epilogue. Or I'll brutal and have a really sad ending, not sure. Stay tuned.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N Low- key filler chapter, sorry. The underline in my last couple of chapters wasn't working, so now italics will be memory's AND sardonic thoughts. Trigger warnings; time period typical homophobia and I think that's it in this one. Enjoy!**

Alexander's POV

I hate pity. I hate it when people look at me with pity, when they favor me out of pity, or when they pity me, etc. I hate pity, but that's all I've been getting for the past two weeks. Lafayette acts the most different around me because only him, and probably Washington _he's a smart guy_ , know the truth of how close we were. Laf also thinks I'm going to off myself because of one hungover conversation.

 _I blink awake and try to shake my head to get rid of the pounding at the back of my skull. Looking around I see Lafayette staring at me, concerned._

" _Yes?" I ask impatiently. He jumps slightly like he didn't know I was awake._

" _Sorry, just waiting for you to wake up, we need to talk about last night." I groan._

" _What did I say?"_

" _Let's wait till your fully awake to have this-"_

" _I probably won't tell you anything while alert, so spit it out." He hesitates a moment, as if he can't decide what to start with._

" _Were you and John sodomites?" My eyes widen and I freeze up. John's already dead so it doesn't really matter…. But I could get kicked out… but Washington needs me… will Laf even care he's French… why the hell does drunk me get so talkative… shit._

" _Uh… no." he raises an eyebrow. I decide to play it safe. "I will not admit or deny any of your claims."_

" _Oh ok" His face pensive for a moment before continuing, "Were you both happy?" I look up at that and smile slightly. Only Lafayette._

" _Yes."_

" _Ok… I'll admit it's a bit strange to think about" Then he grins, "But it's not my time in hell." I'd be offended, if his face wasn't so teasing._

" _So, are we ok?"_

" _Yes. Just don't ever describe it to me. Ever."_

" _Wouldn't dream of it." He then gets up and starts heading towards the flap, before stopping and turning around._

" _Oh, and Alexander."_

" _Ya."_

" _You have so much to live for-"_

" _Laf I'm not going to-"_

" _Don't end yourself too soon." He continues walking out the tent._

" _I wasn't going to-" But he's already gone._

That was too weeks ago. He still thinks I'm going to take a musket to my head. _As if I'd waste our precious resources like that._ Shaking my head, I get back to translating the French messages, a job that used to be much faster with… _Work, don't think._ This worked for about 15 minutes until General Schuyler came into our tent.

"Men." All our heads snap up, postures becoming rigid. He continues, "At ease. I just came to inform you there will be a ball at my estate this Friday and your presence is highly recommended. Thank you, continue your work." A ball. At Schuyler's. Highly recommended, I mentally snort. _You mean required._ I don't want to go to a ball, especially when I need to be on my game. As much as I hate to admit it, I need a wealthy wife, but I can't woo any ladies when I'm so… off. It's not that I don't appreciate a lady, because I do. I definitely do. But it's so soon after… _God I can't even say it in my own brain. Pathetic Ham, pathetic._

It's hours later, and I'm finally done with all my work. With a last nod to Washington, I head out of the tent and walk towards Lafayette's tent. He's said earlier that there was word from Mulligan and that we would read it together. _It'll be nice to hear from another friend._ I stride to the flap, push it open, and flop on his bed.

"Hello to you too." He greets for me.

"Letter?"

"Direct, to the point, got it. No time for pleasantries with your old friend Marie- Joseph-"

"We don't have time for your whole fucking name. Letter." Before, I might've made a joke or recited his name with him, but I just wasn't in the mood. _I hate this version of me._

"Ok, ok." he pulls out a letter from his pocket and starts to read.

 _Dearest friends,_

 _I don't have much time to write this letter because of my undisclosed mission, but I felt I had to reassure you of my condition. I am alive and well and, while this mission is risky, I'm not in any emanate danger. I apologize for this brief letter, and I plead you not to reply. Where I am, a letter from you would not go well._

 _I bid you adieu,_

 _H. Mulligan_

"That's…" He seemed to be struggling for a word to use.

"Unsatisfying."

"Yes, but at least we know he's alive."

"I guess so." There's a comfortable silence that hangs between us. Well, comfortable for him at least, for I know it's just the lull before the storm. He's going to bring it up, I just know it…

"So, have you heard about the ball at the-"

"Schuyler's. Yes, I have. Almost everybody has, what about it?"

"Are you going." I hesitate. Honest answer would look a lot like, _I don't really want to go at all because my MALE lover is dead and I'm still grieving,_ but I feel that reply would be unappreciated by Laf.

"I have to." I say instead.

"Do you want to?"

"Does it matter, I'm going anyway." He sighs.

'Alright then Ham, I'll see you tomorrow. It's late, go to sleep." I get off his bed and head towards the exit, saying goodbye over my shoulder. I don't stick around and mention how I can't sleep. I don't tell him how hard it is to be in a tent with so much John, but not enough. I don't mention how I've been sleeping in his cot for comfort. I just leave, taking my burdens with me.

I arrive at my tent and slip inside. _Home sweet home._ If He were here I would probably have another hour of extra writing to do, but he's not. I haven't been able to bring myself to continue the essays without him. _Weak._ Neither of our beds are made neatly, he was always better at it. He never got the chance to teach me. _Your fault._ His letter box is still in the corner. I haven't gotten around to cleaning it. _Pathetic._ I walk over to where his mail is and pick up the letter on top. _Martha Laurens._ My heart stings a little bit at the name. I still remember the day I found out about her, it was one of our only big fights. Ever. But I would give anything to have those feelings of betrayal and hurt if it meant I got John back. If I could trade his life for mine, if I could break into the afterlife and steal him, if I could resurrect him with my bare hand. If I could do anything but kill everyone around me. I drift asleep with the mantra still ringing in my head, _your fault, your fault, your fault._

 **Ahhhh I'm sorry this really short, but midterms has given me less time to write. Sorry about this obvious filler chapter, but hey, it tells you our good ole' Eliza is coming to town. Stay tuned!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N This isn't historically accurate BTW. Also more time period typical homophobia, like there is every chapter. (Do I even need to write that anymore?) Low-key wrote this while listening to les mis, not Hamilton. Oops. Also introducing Eliza!**

Eliza's POV

"Eliza, Eliza!" I turn my head and see my little sister Peggy running towards me, yellow dress swirling behind her.

"Yes?" She stops, catching her breath.

"Guess what!"

"What?"

"Daddy's scheduled a Ball this Friday! All the soldiers from the nearby camps are invited." My shoulders droop. _I thought I was getting good news._ Putting on a fake smile, I respond.

"That's fantastic!"

"Isn't it." And then, being her usual self, she starts going on and on about the decorations, the men, etc. I nod enthusiastically, only half listening, but she doesn't seem to notice. Or care. Then suddenly, my dad walks into the room.

"Are you girls discussing the ball tomorrow?"

"Yes Daddy! We're so excited." Peggy speaks for us. I nod along.

"I hope you girls will have a good time. Eliza, dearest, please try to find a suitor at this ball. There will be a lot of soldiers there."

"Ok Daddy." I swallow the pain.

"That's my girl." He smiles reassuringly and walks away.

"Do you want to help me choose a gown Eliza?"

"Sure, Peggy. Run upstairs I'll meet you there in a minute." She nods and races up the stairs.

A ball. This Friday. _Great._ I can feel the dread continuing to build up, making me want to choke. _Try to find a suitor at this ball Eliza._ I know I must marry, the downsides of being rich, but I… My sister Angelica, the wittiest, of course already has a fiancé and even little Peggy is being courted by a gentleman. _If your sisters can get suitors, so can you._ It's not that I couldn't get a man if I wanted to, despite being overall average. I don't want to, I've never been interested in any boy like that and I haven't let myself even consider women… _or at least that's what I tell myself_. But, alas, I must do what I have to for my family. Morosely, I head upstairs to choose a gown for Friday. _You got this Eliza._

Alexander's POV

It's Friday, and like any other day I'm in camp writing. Not thinking about John, the ball, myself, nothing. Just translating and sending letters to the incompetent members of congress. _Bullshit._ In truth, I'm actually quite distracted. Everyone else has left, beside Washington, and I'm alone in the silence with my thoughts. I never liked the quiet. Needing sound, I get up and head towards Washington's section that's just off the aides section. When I walk in, his head lifts up and he nods his head in greeting.

"Hamilton. Are you here to tell me you're finally leaving? The ball starts soon." _I don't really know what I was going to say._

"I- uh- yes sir. I have to get ready for the ball." He looks at me for a second, face pensive, before he spoke again.

"You don't really want to go to this ball, do you?" I freeze. _Highly recommend!_ I open my mouth, ready to deny the claims, when he interrupts me.

"Permission to speak freely Hamilton." Still I hesitate a moment. _Fuck it._

"This ball is the last thing I want to do right now." He gives a light chuckle.

"I can't say it looking forward to it either. Though I suppose our reasons for dread are a bit different." He looks at me pointedly. _Probably._

"Most likely sir, though I do not know your reasons." He gives his no toothed smile again.

"I'm dreading this evening because Martha isn't coming. She can't do the commute, and frankly balls aren't as fun without her. What about you Alexander?" _I'm missing my dead, illegal lover, why do you ask?_

"I need to find a lady to court tonight." I pause, trying to think of a way to word it.

"You've never had too much trouble with that." He smirks, obviously referring to my nickname, _tomcat._

"Yes, but tonight I won't be… on my game, I guess you could say. I've been, off lately. Ever since…" I trail off. We both know what I was going to say.

"Since John's death." I wince.

"Yes." He looks at me for a moment and then speaks again.

"You're allowed to grieve Alexander. It's ok to not always be strong." I look down at my feet, not responding.

"John was great man, and your… best friend. It's alright to have to take a moment to really process and move on."

"I'm familiar with loss, sir. Should I not be used to it by now?"

"I don't think one ever truly gets 'used to' losing a loved one. It's what makes us human." I look up.

"It's what makes men weak." He sighs.

"I hope you don't always believe that. Now, go. Distract yourself with the only non-watered down wine you'll have for awhile." I nod and start to walk out when he speaks once more.

"Oh, and Hamilton?" I stop. "Talk to someone. If not me, then Lafayette or anyone. Your friends want to help you."

"Sir-"

"Dismissed." I close my mouth and leave the tent. Time to get ready.

Lafayette's POV

I was almost hoping Alexander didn't want to go to the ball tonight. Not that I didn't want to go, despite the fact that my Adrienne is across the sea, I just didn't want to deal with a sad Alex. So imagine my surprise that when I show up to his tent, expecting mopey Hamiltilton, I see Alex wearing a determined look on his face. He looks a lot better than he has been, smartly dressed and combed hair. There's a small fire in his eyes, though it's dim, it's good to see something other than sadness in his eyes.

"Change of heart?"

"What, oh no. I just got a pep talk, I guess. Might as well use the night as a distraction rather than a burden." He paused then added. "And an opportunity to find a lady who's willing to have a poor man court her."

"Alright then, let's go." The walk to the ball was relatively short. Hamilton and I made easy conversation for a while before settling into an amiable silence. _I hope this distraction helps him. Wait a minute..._

"Hey Ham?"

"Ya"

"Who gave you this magic pep talk?" He hesitates.

"Washington." He admits.

"I told you he had a soft spot for you too. He gets really hurt when you-"

"He does not have a soft spot for me." he interrupts.

"Ok, ok. Whatever you say."

"Screw you Laf, let's go inside."

The second we walk through the doors we are handed a glass of champagne. _It's almost like they want to get rid of the only good alcohol for miles._ I look around the ballroom, it looks fantastic. Alexander seemed to be thinking the same thing, the way he was looking around. Then, a voice from behind interrupts us from our thoughts. General Schuyler.

"Marquis, it's good to see you could make it. And you're… Hamilton, right? Washington's man?" _That won't settle well with him._ Hamilton puts up such a good fake smile I wonder if I've ever been fooled by it.

"Yes sir, Alexander Hamilton. It's a pleasure to formally meet you."

"Of course, pleasure to meet you too." They shake hands.

"Are you boys looking for some ladies tonight?"

"No. I actually have a betrothed back in France. She's lovely so-" He interrupts me.

"I'm sorry I was not aware. Hamilton?"

"Actually, I was sir. I would like to find a lady who I could court soon."

"Ok, well if you ever need some help my daughter Elizabeth is still unmarried."

"Thank you for your offer, sir, but I'd rather meet a woman organically."

"Of course, authenticity is important. Love's a lot more true when it's not arranged. Be warned though, it's quite risky."

"I will keep that in mind, sir."

"Well, on that note, I will let you boys enjoy your night." He then turns and walks away. I snort and turn to Ham.

"Well that was straight-forward. He's obviously just trying to dish his last daughter off to whoever will take her."

"That's why I said no. She probably doesn't want that and I won't be apart of an arranged marriage." He snorts then adds, "Plus, if he knew Washington hired a dirt poor, illegitimate orphan he'd call off the marriage so quick." I laugh.

"Maybe." Then I spot someone in the corner. I tap Alex on the arm and nod to the man's direction.

"Is that Burr?" Burr and I have only spoken once or twice formally, but he and Alex are close friends. Ham turns his head and squints.

"I think it is." The most genuine smile I've seen in a long time fills his face and walk over to Burr.

"Aaron Burr, sir!" The man in question spins around.

"Alexander!"

"I didn't know you would be here Burr."

"I didn't think you'd come either, so I didn't let you know."

"Why wouldn't I… Oh"

"Are you okay Alexander?"

"I'm fine. What about you?" _What happened to Burr?_

"I am better." He pauses then adds, "And more honest then you apparently." Alex looks down, bashfully.

"Oh, Lafayette I didn't see you there. It's good to see you."

"The pleasures all mine Burr."

"No it's not." Hamilton pipes up, teasingly.

"I will kill you one day Alex, just you wait." They both laugh.

"Good luck with that Aaron." We all laugh again and find ourselves migrating over to a table to sit down and drink. After about a minute of mindless chatter I notice Alex's not really in the conversation.

"Ham?" He jumps.

"Sorry guys. Do you mind if I go talk to someone." We nod, and he get up and heads over to a table with a lone girl sitting at it. _Ham's back in the game._

Alexander's POV

 _Washington was right._ The ball was actually a really good distraction. I even ran into Burr, my good friend from college. I had a smile on my face that wasn't completely fake. And then I glanced over at a young woman sitting alone at a table. It was like looking in a mirror, but not quite. Her eyes were staring longingly at someone, like the way a dog looks a treat it knows it can't have. I follow her line of sight to see the gentleman that has caught her attention, but instead I just see a pretty woman. _Oh. She's like me… sort of._ I try to stay engaged in the conversation, but I keep glancing at the young lady. _I can't just go up to her and accuse her of being a sodomite. Don't be stupid._

"Ham?" I jump at the sound of my name. _There's no way I'll survive the night if I don't talk to her._

"Sorry guys. Do you mind if I go talk to someone." They nod their consent and I stand up and stride over to the young lady.

"Excuse me, miss. Would you mind if I made your acquaintance for a bit?" I ask, gesturing to the seat beside her. She snaps her stare from the lady and looks over at me. Then plasters on such a good fake smile I would be convinced if I hadn't been in her spot so many times.

"Yes, of course Mr…"

"Alexander Hamilton, pleasure to meet you.."

"Eliza." _No last name? Poor? Married?_

"Ok then Miss Eliza, may I offer you some advice." She looks at me like she wasn't expecting that. I smirk and lean over to her ear and whisper.

"I've found that when you stare at the ones who are in a couple it's less obvious." She freezes and I back away.

"I don't know what you mean." She says in monotone. I raise my hands in mock surrender and respond quietly.

"My bad, but It definitely looked like you were checking out that rather pretty woman over there."

"I wasn't-"

"If it makes you feel any better, the man who just approached her is quite handsome." She looks me in the eye, a look I can't describe on her face.

"Are you like me?" She breathes so soft I can barely hear.

"Depends, I would fuck them both. What about you?" She blinks at my crudeness. "My apologies M'lady." I add. She smiles.

"I would only take the woman." She admits, a red color filling her cheeks.

"I prefer men if I'm being honest, but if I must I can enjoy a lady." She smiles, stands up, and offers me her hand.

"Would you like to dance?" _Smart girl._

"I would." I grab her hand and lead her to the dance floor.

"What is your current situation?" I ask once we settle into the dance.

"What?"

"Are you currently being courted?"

No I'm not." Then teasingly she adds, "Why are you offering?"

"Yes." I answer seriously. She looks taken aback so I continue. "Well I assume I am the only person who knows of your situation. If you were to marry someone like me, who also isn't interested in you like that, we could just be friends and have an… open marriage."

"Wouldn't it be suspicious if we never had children. Especially since I always preach about how I want to have kids." I shift a little.

"Well we could make love once or twice, I guess. WIth your consent, I'd try my best to at least make you comfortable. Maybe give you a little pleasure despite your favoring of women." She looks pensive.

"Ok. But we must make this look as authentic as possible, so you must court me properly."

"Of course." The dance ended, so I led her back to our table. "Will you do me the honor of staying with me for the rest of the night." She smiles.

"Sure." Suddenly a woman approaches us. She's regal and beautiful, wearing a flowing pink gown. Her eyes are sharp. _She's a smart one, I can already tell._ The woman addresses Eliza.

"Eliza, there you are. Father wanted to see you, but I guess it can wait." She glances at me. "And you are."

"Alexander Hamilton." I put on my best charming smile and kiss her hand. She's not fooled. "Nice to meet you Miss…"

"Mrs. Church nee Schuyler." I blink.

"Schuyler?"

"My sister." Eliza pipes up sheepishly. I spin towards her.

"You're a Schuyler?"

"You didn't tell him?" Angelica's face is incredulous, as if she can't imagine I'd be here if I didn't know she was a Schuyler.

"No I didn't. I'm sorry."

"No, it is ok. You go talk to your father, I'll meet you back here in ten minutes. I'd like to update my frends."

"Ok." She smiles and kisses me on the cheek. "See you again soon." And then walks away, Mrs. Church following in suit.

 **A/N So basically Eliza is gay and Ham is bi. Also they are agreeing to be in a queerplatonic relationship. An open one. Also, not planning on the Angelica, Ham, and Eliza 'triangle.' Stay tuned though, the ball is not over.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N Not going to pair Angelica and who she talks to, I just wanted to show how much of a flirt he is. Also time period typical homophobia, and not sure how historically accurate these are. Let the winter's ball part 2 begin. Enjoy.**

Angelica's POV

 _God where is Eliza?_ While she told Peggy she was excited, I could tell she didn't really want to come to this ball today. She really needs to find a husband, and soon. _I swear if she's hiding in a corner again…_ Suddenly, there's a tap on my shoulder.

"Bonjour Mademoiselle." I turned around and saw a soldier greeting me. He was fairly tall and quite good looking. His french accent was quite prominent. _This must be the Marquis._

"Hello General Lafayette." He blinks in surprise. At his questioning look I continue. "The French only sent over one soldier, and you're wearing a General's uniform." He smiles.

"You are quite intelligent, something you don't find in ladies now a days." _Too bad I'm married, the Frenchman isn't a bad catch._

"I'm also quite married." I say it teasingly, but make sure to get the message across. His smile falters slightly, but not completely.

"I'm sorry Madam, I did not know. If I may ask, though, why are you not wearing a ring?" It's my turn to blink in surprise. _Most don't notice that._

"Impressive observation." He mock bows. "And for your question, I often lose it at these large parties." Then I smirk, "But between you and me, it's rather funny to see how many people actually check to see a ring before just accepting that I'm married." He smiles, the bows in parting. _That was quick._

"It was nice to meet you Ma'am. Shame you're married though." He winks and walks away, my eyes following him until he's out of sight. _That was an experience._ Back to task, find Eliza. My sister who's persistent on marrying someone she loves. _And she wonders why she's that last one left._ Shaking my head I spin around in a quick search and see her being led off the dance floor by a young man. _A rather handsome young man, though a little short for my tastes._ They are talking together, smiling. _Maybe she's finally found the one. I can only hope that he's a financial match too._ I head over to her and address her.

"Eliza, there you are. Father wanted to see you, but I guess it can wait." _He just wanted to make sure you weren't in a corner._ I glance at the young man, trying to to see if I recognize him. _Nope_. "And you are?"

"Alexander Hamilton." _That sounds familiar._ He smiles his best at me, trying to win over a friend of Eliza's a suspect. _Let's see his face when he finds out I'm her sister._ He continues, "Nice to meet you Miss…"

"Mrs. Church nee Schuyler." He blinks in surprise and straightens up. I smirk

"Schuyler?" _Did I stutter?_

"My sister." Eliza pipes up sheepishly. He spins towards her.

"You're a Schuyler?" My eyebrows shoot up in surprise. _He didn't know?_ His smile falters a bit, so small I wouldn't have even noticed if I wasn't watching.

"You didn't tell him?" My voice must be incredulous. _Eliza actually got someone without her name. Why am I even surprised at this._

"No I didn't. I'm sorry." She's talking more to Hamilton than me.

"No, it is ok. You go talk to your father, I'll meet you back here in ten minutes. I'd like to update my frends." He says.

"Ok." Eliza smiles and kisses Hamilton on the cheek. "See you again soon." And then walks away, with me following. Once he's out of hearing range, I start a conversation.

"Alexander Hamilton, huh." She nods, an excited smile on her face.

"He's perfect." _He better be._

"Family?" She hesitates.

"It didn't come up." I groan and stop her.

"Eliza. I know you care about personality, but financials are unfortunately very important. We can't go to father now, you don't know the answer to any of his question" She sighs.

"You and Peggy both married rich, so if Alexander happens to be poor can't I just-"

"Eliza stop. I don't know." _She can't get her hopes up._ "Probably not." She shakes her head.

"We'll deal with this later. Let's go stall for ten minutes now, I guess." _I have to do something first._

"Sure, but I have to go do something first. I'll be right with you." _Let's go find a hopefully not poor man._

Alexander's POV

What have I gotten myself into? _A Schuyler?_ Didn't I say in the beginning of the night that they would turn me down so fast. They need to all marry rich, the opposite of me. I shake my head, and speed towards my table with Burr and Lafayette. I plunk down on my seat, groan, and bury my head in my hands.

"Alexander?" Lafayette is the first one to speak. I grunt non committedly in response.

"What did you do?" Burr asks, resigned. _That's right, he knew me in college._ I put my head up.

"I didn't do anything, per say, just got myself into a… situation." They both raise their eyebrows expectantly. I sigh.

"Ok, so you both saw me head over to that table over there to talk to the lonely girl." They nod. "Ok, well we danced and I got permission to court her."

"But isn't that-" I cut Laf off.

"I thought so to, but it all went to shit when her sister came over."

"Who's her-" I cut Laf off again.

"Angelica Church nee Schuyler. Schuyler!"

"As in the insanely rich, way out of your league, slave owner Schuylers" Burr asks. _How many Schuylers does he know?_

"Yes, as in the insanely rich, way out of my league-" _Wait._ "They're slave owners?" _Of course life. Go ahead and ruin the only match that would work for my heart even more._

"Yes, they are." Burr sighs. "Also, don't you think it's a little too soon?" _John._ Another reason I can't marry into a slaveholder family. _That would make everything we ever did a lie._ I groan again.

"Eliza and I came to an agreement before I knew she was a Schuyler. An untraditional one." I hesitate. "It would be an open marriage… for she is not into… anyone her father presents her and I'm never satisfied." There we go, now her being a sodomite as well doesn't need to come up.

"And you will most likely never find another woman that will agree to do that with you again and that's why her being a Schuyler is such a big deal." Burr concludes. I nod, morosely.

"That sucks, man." Laf adds helpfully. I roll my eyes. Suddenly a woman approaches us. Angelica Church.

"Hello gentlemen." She addresses us all, but she's only looking at me. I straighten up.

"Mrs. Church, good to see you again." Laf's eyes widen.

"You're Mrs. Church." He sputters out. I glance at him. _Does he know her?_ She smirks.

"I never did tell you my name, did I, General Lafayette?" He snaps out of it and smiles.

"If I had known you were a Schuyler I might have tried harder. Married or not." _Are you kidding me? You're married too, idiot._

"This whole night revolves around not recognizing Schuylers" I mutter. Apparently not quietly enough though, because Lafayette bursts out laughing and Angelica looks faintly amused. She raises her eyebrows at me, and I turn a little red.

"Sorry ma'am. You came here with a purpose, take a seat." She gracefully sits down, sitting prim and ladylike. It just makes her look that much more intimidating.

"You offered to court my sister." _Okay, straight to the point._

"I did." _And I would still like to, but I don't know if I can take that rejection right now._

"Before you knew she was a Schuyler."

"Yes. If I had known she was a Schuyler I don't think I would've offered." She looks confused.

"What?" I sigh.

"I assume you're here to ask me about my financial situation, considering it never came up in Eliza and I's conversation." She nods. "Well I'm an illegitimate orphan, dirt poor, and an immigrant, but I'm also Major General Washington's right hand man, a fast tracked graduate from King's college, and a certified genius." She blinks.

"Oh."

"Ya." She sighs.

"Okay, this puts us in a bit of a situation." I hear Burr snort quietly at the deja vu. "While you aren't currently wealthy, you're in a position to be able to become wealthy." I nod.

"So what does that mean in terms of my courting of Eliza. Is it a fruitless endeavour, or do I have a chance." She stares at me, gaze piercing. I stare right back, without flinching.

"Don't mess this up." I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding. With a final nod, and maybe a wink in Lafayette's direction I wasn't paying attention, she gets up and walks away.

"Okay so we're doing this." Burr mutters, breaking the silence that had spread throughout the table. Lafayette snorts.

"So _certified genius,_ what now." I glare at him.

"I had to sell myself, don't be rude _Gilbert._ " This time Burr snorts. "Anyway, I'm supposed to meet her back back at our table.." I look around until I find a clock. _Shit._ "Right now." I jump out of my seat and speed walk to our table. _Four seconds in and you've already messed this up Hamilton._ Sighing, I spot our table and see Angelica waving goodbye to Eliza. _She must've just updated Eliza._ Once I arrive, I clear my throat and she looks up at me and smiles.

"Hello again Alex." I smile. Wordlessly, I gesture towards the seat beside her in question, and she nods her consent. I take a seat.

"Hi Eliza. I assume Mrs. Church just updated you on our situation."

"Yes, she did. We have a chance." Then she giggles a little. "You know with me, you can just call her Angelica." I shake my head and over exaggerate trembling.

"What if she hears me." I mock whisper in a 'terrified' voice. She laughs a little and lightly slaps me on the arm.

"She's not that scary." I look at her in disbelief. "Only when she in over protective mode." She admits.

"What mode do you think she's in when talking to her little sister's suitor."

"Oh." Then she gulps and looks at me with wide eyes. "Run." She whispers. We look at eachother with straight faces for about ten seconds before bursting out laughing. The small fact of their family slaves was slowly slipping out of my every passing second I spent with Eliza.

Eliza's POV

I've never had so much fun at a ball. Typically I have to fake smile and pretend that I liked the people around me, but not tonight. Alexander Hamilton bust into my life and changed everything I knew. He seemed to be having a good time too, only slipping into a slight sad mood every once and a while before shrugging it off. I'm not as perceptive as Angelica, but I could still tell something was off. I decided to bring to it up a later date, when we knew each other better. We danced and laughed the night away and as we were leaving I gave him permission to write me. _Let the courtship begin._ With a smile on my face, I walked with Angelica and Peggy to greet our father and tell him of our departure.

"Father, we are leaving the ball now. It's late, and we'd like to discuss the night before heading to bed." He smiled.

"Of course girls." Then he turned to me. "Did you meet any young men tonight, dear." I beamed, excited to finally please him with an affirmative answer.

"Yes Father. Lt. Col. Hamilton has asked to write me and I accepted." He had finally told me his rank while we were talking. The man my father was talking to seemed to perk up.

"Did he now?" The man asked amused. _Is that funny to you?_

"Yes, he did sir." I reply shortly. I feel Angelica elbow me and I turn to her, confused. _She's been even ruder to strangers before._

"Oh, right. I haven't introduced you girls yet. Girls, this is Major General Washington. General, these are my daughters Angelica, Peggy, and Eliza." _Oops, my bad. I just sassed Major General Washington._ Nonetheless, I still curtsied politely with my sisters.

"Sir, I apologize for my tone-"

"It is quite alright Miss. I have Hamilton on my staff, I'm used to much worse." I hear Angelica quietly snort and I stifle a laugh. _Only Alexander would sass Washington… knowingly, at least._ My father laughs.

"Alright girls, go off and gossip. I'll see you at home later." We all curtsy quickly and rush off. Once out of ear shot we all burst out in giggles.

"Eliza, you just sassed General Washington." Peggy exclaims. My face turns red as I blush.

"My bad…" And we all laugh again.

 **A/N This chapter definitely had more comic relief than my other ones. I dunno why, maybe it's just the headspace I'm in now. Also, not sure where I'm going with Laf and Angelica. They'll probably just have a flirtatious relationship and nothing more. ALSO what's Alex gonna do about the slave situation? Stay tuned!**


	7. Chapter 7

**IT'S MIDTERM WEEK, I APOLOGIZE! also IMPORTANT TO PLOT. So this is very not historically accurate, but basically the Schuyler's and a bunch of rich families are staying in cabins and such near camp for a few months (give or take) for things like balls and finding a husband. Also,TRIGGER WARNING Alex has a low-key panic attack (or what I qualify as one, I looked up the symptoms and apparently I've been having panic attacks my whole life without knowing.) and there's probably homophobia in there, cuz it's all historical-ish.**

I blink my eyes open, the bright light making it hard to see. With a groan, I roll over and sit up. Rubbing my eyes I glance at the source of light and scowl when I see it's Lafayette standing with my tent flap up.

"Wakey, wakey Ham." I flip him off and flop back on my bed, catching a glance of the smirk on his face.

"You know it's 0605 right?" _Shit._ I bolt up right and scramble out of bed.

"Why didn't you wake me up sooner!" I yell at him while rushing to find my uniform.

"I wasn't aware that you were still asleep until Washington asked me where you were." _I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead._ "He said it was important." He continued. _You know just how to make me feel better Laf._

"Fuck!" I shove my boots on my feet, hastily tie my hair back into an extremely messy bun, and stand triumphantly.

"How do I look?"

"Like a man who slept in and will be reprimanded if he doesn't leave now, but that's just my grain of salt." _What?_ He looks at my confused face for a beat then sighs exasperated.

"I can never remember if the idiom is French or English." I start to laugh a little. He glares at me.

"You know you're still late, right?" _Right!_ Giving Lafayette a quick bye I speed out the door and head over to the aide tent and burst through the tent as gracefully as I can. Which apparently wasn't very, because everyone's head snaps up the moment I enter. I blush, and I'm about to apologize when I see Washington approach me.

"Sir." I nod my head in greeting.

"Hamilton. You're late."

I'm sorry sir. I slept in. Won't happen again." He stares at me sternly for a moment before speaking.

"It better not. I rather like you on my staff. I'd hate to make changes." I gulp. "Anyway. Meeting in my office right now. There's… someone here that needs to speak with both of us." _Just us?_

"Yes sir." I follow him and am surprised to find a young woman sitting in his office. She turn when she sees us enter and jumps up to greet me.

"You must be Lt. Col. Hamilton." I nod.

"Yes ma'am."

"It's nice to meet you, I'm Martha Laurens." My eyes widen and I have to fight my jaw from dropping. _John's freaking wife is standing in front of me._ My smile becomes more fake and I try my hardest not to slip up. _Keep that mask secure Hamilton._

"It's nice to meet you." I lie through my teeth. "I'm sorry for your loss Mrs. Laurens." I have to force the name out my throat, almost choking on the falseness in my voice. She nods at my condolences. Washington clears his throat and addresses me.

"Mrs. Laurens came here today to ask about Lt. Col. Lauren's death." My breath hitches, but no one notices. "The condolence letter was apparently very vague." _I know, I wrote it._

"Could you just tell me what happened?"

Washington's POV

It was as I was leading Hamilton to my office that I started to feel uncertain. _Should I warn him about the topic of this meeting?_ I wouldn't have even made him do this if I knew it was coming, but she begged to have us both tell tale and I couldn't say no. I also couldn't tell her why she was the last person Alex would want to see. We enter the office and I can tell Hamilton is a little surprised to see a woman in my office for this 'meeting.' He nods confirming his identity and I can see the curiousness in his gaze.

"It's nice to meet you, I'm Martha Laurens." I watch as he shuts down, so subtlety I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't known Alex for a while now. _Has he ever fooled me before?_ The only tell that he's shocked is a slight widen of his eyes. They go through quick pleasantries, but I have to interrupt them; I'd like to not draw this out. _I also can't look at Hamilton's dead eyes any longer._

"Mrs. Laurens came here today to ask about Lt. Col. Lauren's death." No reaction. Hamilton is stony faced. "The condolence letter was apparently very vague." I almost cringe because it's just now that I'm realizing he probably had to write that letter.

"Could you just tell me what happened?" _Million dollar question._ "All the letter said was that his death was due to British spies." I open myself to explain when Hamilton speaks up.

"He shot himself in the head" he speaks flatly. No emotion. Eerily reminiscent of John's last minutes. Martha gasps and spins towards Hamilton, tears pricking the corners of her eyes.

"He would never! You liar!"

"Look Ma'am, Lt. Col. forgot to men-" I try to placate the situation but I'm cut off.

"He did. Blew his brains out. In his mind, it was him or me so I guess he-"

"So it was your fault!" She screeches, standing up. Her fiery attitude so different to Hamilton's flat attitude.

"Yes." My stomach drops. _He couldn't possibly think that?_ Enraged, Martha walks forward and before I can process whats about to happen she slaps him.

"What kind of friend are you? I bet you told him to kill himself too, just so your selfish ass could live!" At this, Alexander stands up, but stays stoic.

"I am a selfish person and I terrible friend, but I would've died before allowing Jo- Lt. Col. Laurens from killing himself. I suggest you watch your tone, especially considering you wouldn't do the same." She looks affronted.

"Excuse me I was his wif-"

"Yes, the girl he was forced to marry because of his dad."

"You mean because HE got me pregnant the first time we met!" Hamilton freezes.

"What did you just say?" He asks lowly.

"That he got me pregnant, which is why he married me. Why is this rele-"

"Did the child survive birth?" _Why is this relevant?_

"Yes, Frances is two." Hamilton's face falls and his mask starts to crack. Tiny bits of despair slowly start to slip through the breaks like sand. Not catching on to his breaking composure, Martha continues. "Why is this important?" She demands.

"I believe you can handle the rest without me sir." He quickly nods, leaving before I assume he loses his composure. _Well that went well._

Alexander's POV

"I believe you can handle the rest without me sir." I nod quickly and speed out the door so I don't lose my composure. _John had a kid, John had a kid. John actively planned to abandon that kid._ My thoughts are running wild as I speed throughout camp, my feet unconsciously taking me somewhere. My legs were weak, but I was so restless I couldn't stop moving. I couldn't think straight and my hands wouldn't stop running through my now messed up hair. Maybe my breathing was erratic, I don't know, but I just kept hearing the mantra. _John had a kid, John lied to me._ My hands and knees were trembling but I couldn't stop walking. _John had a kid, John lied to me._ Shaking my head, I start to try to focus on my surroundings and with a start I realize I'm heading towards the Schuyler's. _John had a kid, John lied to me._ Shoving my quaking hands in my pockets, the Schuyler cabin comes into view and I see Eliza sitting outside near the front. _John had a kid, John lied to me._

"Alex?" I smile in greeting and take a deep breath, attempting to calm down.

"Eliza would you please join me for a walk in the woods?" My tone is clipped, rushed, lacking its usual charm and persuasion. She furrowed her eyebrows.

"Are you ok?" _No._

"Please." I say faintly instead of answering. She smiles gently and nods.

"Of course." In need of human contact I link our arms together and start our stroll. We make small talk, though it's mostly Eliza doing the talking. _Talk about a role reversal._ The scenery and her calm voice still my shaking hands and I don't even notice my thoughts calming. We reach a good stopping point and she leads me over to a rock where we sit down. _Here it comes._

"Alexander, would you mind telling me what's wrong now?" I take a deep breath and start. Once I've began I can't seem to stop. I start with John, how me met, our relationship, how he died. My voice cracks a couple times, but Eliza just rubs my back and helps me along. It feels so good to start from the beginning, like I'm just telling someone a story similar to mine. I'm crying now, I don't even know when it started, but I am.

"... and then today I found out something." I pause and Eliza nods encouragingly. "You know how I mentioned his wife Martha. He told me he married her because of his dad but he…" I struggle, not able to force the words out of my mouth. "He had a bastard. With Martha. So, to keep social standing he married her and then left, no plan to return." I stand up and start to pace, getting worked up now.

"Alex-"

"No, Eliza. John was my dad. The love of my life acted the same way as one of the worst people in my life. Get the girl pregnant, marry so she's not shamed by society, then leave when shit gets tough. Arranged marriages, I get. It sucks for both parties so having an open relationship works. But he had a kid. A fucking child that he helped produce. His own blood and he was going to abandon her! Sure, there was no love, but there was mutual respect and he had a chance for a family. A chance most people don't get and he was just going to abandon her." I pause. "And it would've been all my fault."

"That's not-"

"Because he would've left them for me." We stare at each other for a second, before she pulls me into a hug. I relax into the touch, letting her warmth comfort and battle my inner darkness.

"Alex, it's ok to be mad for now, but nobody's perfect. Everyone has flaws and everyone makes mistakes. I guarantee you that you would not have allowed him to abandon his child like that." She murmurs into my ear.

"But you can't kn-" But she's not done.

"And none of this is your fault. John's death, his child situation, nothing." She pulls away from the hug and grabs my face. "Look me in the eyes and tell me you know that." I look up and stare into her warm, black eyes. _I want to, Eliza, so bad. But I just can't._

"I know," I whisper. _But I don't believe it just yet._

 **A/N I'm soooo sorry! This chapter is short and late, but it was midterm week so I was studying and taking test and shit. Had to put something out there. BTW grain of salt is a french idiom.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N Ok so another long wait but this time it's because I wasn't sure where I wanted to go with this story. I think this will be my last 'real chapter' and I'll post and epilogue that more comic relief than plot related. Side note: everything before "One week later" was supposed to be on last chapter, oops. Enjoy!**

Alexander's POV

It's when we're walking out of the woods I realize we never talked about last night.

"Hey, Eliza? What did you end up telling your father?" She blushes a bit and turns away as she answers, not looking me in the eyes. _Was it that bad?_

"I mentioned you briefly as I was making my leave last night." She coughs uncomfortably. "He didn't have time to say much…. I guess." I raised my eyebrow. _Could you be more evasive?_ She sighs.

"So I told father while he was talking to Major General Washington and, because I didn't know who he was, ended up being short with Washington… I kind of sassed him." I stare at her for a second to see if she's lying, before bursting out laughing.

"Washington probably thinks we're a perfect match now." I exclaim, still laughing. She smiles and chuckles.

"He had said something about you being much worse." My laughter fades and I smirk a bit.

"I'm of the few brave enough to try and get away with my mouth." She smirks back at me.

"Brave and stupid often go hand and hand." I gasp with mock offense and put my hand to my chest.

"Oh how you wound me dear Eliza." She chuckles then loops our arms together once more and we continue our walk back to the cabin. We make small talk again, preferring the lighter conversation.

Eliza's POV

It is as we are approaching my temporary cabin does Hamilton slow down and look at me with the most conflicting look I've ever seen on his face. At first I don't notice it, carried away in not having to filter anything I'm saying, but when he starts to slow down I glance over and see it.

"Alex?" He looks up from where he was previously staring at his feet.

"Sorry m'lady I just…" He pauses, takes a deep breath and begins again. "What are your thoughts on slavery?" _Oh._

"That depends, why are you asking?" He looks faintly amused at my safe answer.

"Come on, don't become a Burr now. Simple question, simple answer. Are you for or against slavery?" I hesitate, he continues. "You've grown up with your opinions, like slavery, being forced upon you. Let it loose, do your worst. What are your thoughts on slavery?"

"Hamilton, I am not as proficient about sharing these things like my sister is." _I'm not as good as Angelica._ He sighs.

"Look, I just want to know whether or not you'll want slaves within our house if we were to get married."

"Will my answer affect whether or not we wed?" This time he hesitates, then grimaces.

"Most likely." He admits. _The one time I want someone to tell me what to say is the one time they won't._ I take a deep breath and look away so I don't meet his eyes.

"While I get the economical reasons for slavery, I don't like it. The way they are treated, like they're not human beings, bothers me." I stare down at my feet sheepishly. _I don't think I've ever told anyone about my hatred for slavery._ Suddenly, I feel a gentle hand under my chin lightly forcing me to look up. Hesitantly I look at Alex's face, expecting disappointment, but instead his face is full of delight.

"Look at me Eliza." I meet his violet-like eyes, the spark shining brighter than it was in the forest. "That is the best new I've heard all day. I also despise slavery, and it's ok to tell me your opinions like that." He smiles at me and I can't help but gather him in a hug, which he melts into after stiffening for a moment.

"I always have to play a part," I whisper into his shoulder. "Recite other people's words as if they are my own. Thank you." I'm crying now, lightly, on his shoulder. Overcome with the emotions of my confession and his earlier. He just pets my hair and whispers sweet reassurances in my ear. _I could get used to this._

 **A week or so later…..**

Alexander's POV

I wiped my sweaty palms on for the third time now on my pants. _Try to make it more obvious that your nervous Hamilton, will ya._ Lafayette and I were silently walking together to the Schuyler cabin for "dinner." While the invitation was normal enough, even allowing a plus one, everyone attending knew my intentions of tonight; asking the Schuyler patriarch for his daughter's hand in marriage. Today was the day I had been dreading since our first night meeting at the ball. Today was the day I have to swallow my pride and ask, scratch that beg, for a chance. _Fuck._ I don't even notice that I've started to fidget with the hem of my coat until Laf gently stops me.

"Hammy you will fine, do not stress."

"But Laf-"

"The lovely Angelica had repeatedly said you have a chance, and I believe her. You won't 'woo' any Generals acting like a nervous schoolboy." I sigh, knowing he's right. _He just doesn't get it. His past and status, things he can't control, have never harmed him. He's never been judged for anything other than his own merit and- wait a minute._

"Since when do you have permission to call Mrs. Church by her Christian name?" Lafayette smirks.

"Dear Angelica and I have become… better acquainted recently." My eyes widen.

"Lafayette!"

"Relax Ham, it's only flirting… for now." I chuckle a little and shake my head.

"Can you at least wait until I get my answer from General Schuyler before you bed the eldest. You'll make me look bad." At this he turns and looks me head on.

"I cannot wait that long." I raise my eyebrows. _I was kidding._ "Now, if you didn't already have enough motivation, you must get this proposal done so I can have fun with Angelica." He finishes with a nod and a satisfied look on his face like he will deserve all the credit if tonight goes well.

"I regret bringing you." He chuckles and, realizing we've arrived, leads us up the path. I knock and the door opens to reveal General Schuyler. _So it's begun._ I put on my best charming smile.

"General Schuyler, pleasure to see you." Lafayette and I bow respectfully.

"Lieutenant Colonel. General." He nods at each of us and lets us in. We follow him towards his dining area where the Schuyler sisters are waiting. Eliza approaches me first and I grab her hand and kiss it.

"It's good to see you again dear Eliza." She smiles and blushes slightly.

"It's a pleasure Alexander." Distantly I hear a faint snort coming from Laf's direction at the use of my full name, but I'm too focused on the intimidating Mrs. Church approaching me to care. Grasping her hand, I kiss it lightly as well.

"Mrs. Church, a pleasure to make your acquaintance again."

"It's lovely to see you again as well Mr. Hamilton, Eliza speaks highly of you." I smile.

"Thank you," Then dropping my voice down to a whisper I continue. "The Marquis speaks highly of you too." She blushes and opens her mouth, but I've already moved on to the third sister. I've not met her yet, but she is quite beautiful for a lady her age. I do not grab her hand yet.

"We have not met yet m'lady. Alexander Hamilton." She curtsies.

"Peggy Schuyler, wonderful to meet you." I hold out my hand for her to place hers in, silently asking for permission. She complies and her hand meets the same fate as her sisters before her.

"It's great to put a face to a name, your sister holds you in high esteem." She smiles and a small flush fills her cheeks. I glance over and see Lafayette is done his greetings to the three ladies. He looks up at me and smiles reassuringly. _Deep breaths Ham, deep breath._ Resisting the urge to check my palms for sweat, I follow the male Schuyler's lead and, as he takes his seat at the head of the table, I seat myself in next to Eliza with Laf, Peggy and Angelica across. _No sweat Ham, you've done harder things. Deep breaths._

"So Hamilton, how's General Washington doing these days?" _Small talk, I can do small talk._

"Quite well sir. He sends his regards." The general chuckled slightly.

"I bet he's slightly envious we get a real meal instead of army rations tonight."

"I'm sure he is sir." I make sure to say this as lightly as possible. _Can't have him think that wasn't a joke._

"When I mention I was going as well, he joked about smuggling back some real alcohol, but I'm unsure if he was jesting." Lafayette added, joining the conversation.

"I bet he needs it, especially with the stress of losing a staff member." My hand tightens slightly into a fist. _I really don't need to discuss him right now._

"What happened Daddy?" Peggy asks. _Dam this conversation._

"A member of his staff was killed in a breech within camps. Report said it was a spy who shot him."

"Yes, it was rather sad to lose a bright, young man so early." Lafayette coughed out.

"It's war. What was his name again?"

"Lt. Col. Laurens, John Laurens." My voice is neutral, betraying no emotion. I notice Eliza's eyes widen slightly in recognition.

"Have you heard what the boys around camp are saying?" The general continues, oblivious to my internal grief.

"What?"

"That he killed himself." I flinch slightly. "Nobody knows why, but he did it in the General's tent. Some even suspect the spies were just a cover up." My nails are digging indent into my palms and neither Lafayette or I reply. Both of us knowing what really happened and would rather avoid the topic. Seeing this Eliza, bless her heart, spoke up.

"I'm sure it doesn't really matter either way Father." _He's dead either way._ I take a steadying breath. _Stay collected._

"Sir, Lt. Col Laurens was one of the best men I knew. I'm sure, however he died, it was with just as much honor that he possessed while living." There's a beat of silence, like everyone's a little shocked at my declaration.

"Of course Hamilton, I apologize for my lack of tact. You have my condolences, good sir." I nod respectfully and the conversation shifts into lighter topics. _Thank heaven for small mercies._

It is halfway through the dinner when General Schuyler brings up the elephant in the room.

"So, Lt. Col, you've come here to ask for my daughter's hand in marriage." A silence descends upon the table. All side conversations stop and everyone's eyes flick towards me. _No pressure._ I sit up straighter.

"Yes sir. That was one of my purposes for coming here tonight."

"My daughter dislikes everyone I set her up with, so why are you different." _Deep breaths Ham, charming smile._

"Truthfully I don't know sir," _Lie._ "for I can't speak for Eliza, but it could've been a number of things. I'm not arrogant enough to believe myself a better man than any suitor you've chosen, so it could be something as small as an organic meeting rather than an arranged one." His face doesn't reveal whether or that was the right answer, but Angelica is smiling. _Her expression could also be because of her close proximity to Laf, Hamilton. Don't get your hopes up._

"Now, son," I wince a little. "The Schuyler family's been around for a while. I say this as humble as possible, but we're quite wealthy. A fact I'm sure you're aware of."

"Yes sir." I start to sweat a little, _here it comes._

"What's your situation?" I take another deep breath.

"I'm going to be honest with you sir, I'm not well off. While, yes, I am General Washington's right hand man and a certified genius who fast tracked through college, I'm also a poor orphan immigrant with no name. I don't have anything to offer your family but myself, sir." A pause. He was staring at me with a look so intense it was like he was seeing through me. Then he turned to Eliza.

"Eliza do you truly want to marry this young man?"

"Yes Father, I do. He makes me very happy and I would love nothing more to spend the rest of my life with him." The General sighs and we all held our breath.

"Ok, while I don't like your situation son, I'll allow you to be wed." I huge weight lifted off my shoulders and I turned to Eliza with biggest smile on my face. She giggled, then jumped up and hugged me. I buried my face in her shoulder and we stayed like for moment before she blushed a deep red and scurried back to her seat. The Schuyler patriarch chuckled.

After the proposal dinner was more lighthearted, happy…and everyone was albeit tipsy. Lafayette and Angelica were relentlessly trying to make the other blush, General Schuyler was trying hard not to kill him and keep Peggy entertained at the same time, and Eliza and I were whispering about our marriage.

"Liza, I going to be honest and tell you I'm still kind of shocked."

"Come on Alexander, I knew you would woo him all along."

"Eliza… I just want to let you know there's a real possibility we could end up in poverty."

"Alex-"

"Let me finish. Poverty's not all picnics and frolicking in overgrown meadows like it's so often depicted. It's not easy, it's a hard, hungry life. While I am confident that won't happen, please ask yourself; _would you soberly relish being a poor man's wife?_ "

"Alexander Hamilton as long as we're together we both have a chance at happiness. I wish that I could love you the way a wife normally would, but please know I do love you. Your my best friend."

"And your mine," I put on my signature smirk. "Betsey." She mock gasps and lightly slaps me on the arm.

"That is a horrible nickname Hammy." I put my hand to my chest in mock offense.

"Oh how you wound me so dear Betsey." She giggles and I smiles almost as bright as before that fateful day. While I am not healed from my loves death, moments like these with my friends, _with Eliza,_ make the pain fade. Will it ever go away? Probably not. But I think forgetting John would hurt a thousands times worse than the pain I feel now. I am not ok, but I will be. And that's enough for now.

 **A/N Ok so that one was full of ups and downs and a SUPER CHEESY ENDING. I hope I didn't rush the ending, like I said there'll be a epilogue. I hope you liked this, thank you for reading my first short story (I usually write one shots). Bye!**


	9. Crack Epilogue

**A/N I feel I should not I completed this FOREVER ago but it wouldn't let me upload. I would like to apologize in advance for the total shit you are about to read. So basically I said the next chapter would be a comic relief ending, but it's really just Ham and Eliza's sex lives. NO EXPLICIT DESCRIPTIONS IT'S ALL JUST THE BEFORE AND AFTER SEX NOT DURING. Not even close to historically accurate. Trigger Warning: Build up to hate sex and build up to sex. See you all in hell, enjoy!**

 **Epilogue (sorta)**

The Federalist Papers

"Eliiizzzzaaaa, I'm hoommeee."

"I can see that… why are you tipsy?" She comes a little closer. "And you reek of sex, Alex, how do you do these things while working?"

"Well you know how me and Madison were writing together tonight." Eliza nods. "Well we decided to take a little break… and then we got tipsy… and then we fucked a little." He at least had the decency to look sheepish. "And by a little I mean a lot."

"Dam it Alex, teach me your getting laid ways." He smiles and winks at her.

"Secret of the trade my dear, secret of the trade."

 **(A/N It gets better…)**

Room Where It Happens

"Look Hamilton, we both know Madison and I aren't going pass this bill, so why are we even here?" Hamilton leaned back in his seat and studied Jefferson for a minute before smirking.

"What if I fucked you both?" Jefferson choked on his wine mid-sip and Madison just looks faintly amused.

"That's insane- we would never-" Jefferson sputters.

"Well actually…"

"You considering this Madison?!"

"He's considering doing it again." Hamilton pipes up slyly.

"Madison what-" But said person cuts him off.

"So you fuck us, we give you the votes. What are we gonna tell the people you did."

"Wait a minute, I never-" But he's cut off again.

"You want the capital?" He thinks for a moment.

"Ya, that works. Wanna do this over the desk, or actually take this to a room."

"How about a room, spice it up a bit." Both men nod and stand up, heading towards the stairs.

"Wait a minute, what about me?" Hamilton and Madison look at eachother, then back to Jefferson.

"Well you're welcome to join us."

"That's not what I-" But they're already gone.

"God help me." The Virginian sighs as he gets up to go join the other two.

Pre-Reynold Pamphlet

"Eliza?"

"Yes Alex?" Her smile is bright and she has a dopey look on her face as she answers.

"Did you… did you get laid?" He asks in shock.

"Yes." A pause.

"Fucking finally!" They both laugh. "So who was it?" Eliza blushes a bit.

"Our neighbor, Maria Reynold."

"Aww she a beauty." Then he smirks. "Would you be willing to share."

"Ha!" She giggles and slaps my arm and I tackle her in a hug.

"Do you have another 'hangout' scheduled?"

"Yes…"

"That my girl! Get her tiger!"

Post Reynolds Pamphlet

"So how long do I have to 'be mad at you' before I can fuck Maria again?"

"Depends, who do you miss more?" Hamilton asks teasingly.

"Her." She replies flatly without hesitation.

"Fine, be that way." He fakes huffs then laughs. "About a month."

"Uggggg, but I'm sexually frustrated though!"

"Sucks to be you doesn't it."

"Hey you're the one who cheated on me! You have to be nice to me now." Hamilton just laughs and starts to walk away.

"What if I see her secretly!" She calls after him.

"You mean like how you were before you got caught and I had to cover for you!" He says pointedly over his shoulder.

"Touche Hamilton, touche." She mutter ones he's out of sight. Faintly she hears him snort in the next room.

Schuyler Defeated

"Burr! What the hell are you doing at my house?"

"Are you mad at me Alexander?' He says lowly instead of answering, approaching Hamilton like a predator stalking his prey. Hamilton's breath hitches.

"Depends, what are you going to to about it Aaron?" He asks challengingly, catching on. Burr places his hands on either side of Hamilton's head, trapping him.

"Depends. Is your wife home?"

"No." Burr dips down and whisper into his ear.

"Then I think you know exactly what's going to happen here Alexander." He shivers at the use of his Christian name.

"Do your worst Burr."

 **(A/N I think this might be my favorite)**

Hamilton's Last Words (to Angelica)

"Angelica…"

"Shhh, save your strength Alex"

"No you-" he coughs. "You have to hear this."

"Alex, what is it?"

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry for wha-"

"I'm sorry you're the only friend I never fucked." (dies)

"Wait what? Alex? Alex!"

"Angelica, I thinks he's dead…Can we just tell people we don't know his exact last words because he talked so much instead of telling them the truth?"

"Yeah, yeah of course." She replies in daze. "...Even Burr got some?"

"Even Burr."

"Well fuck." A pause.

"Actually, I believe it's 'well _no_ fuck'"

 **Holy shit, this was fun. I hope y'all enjoyed reading the details of our two fav's sex lives. (Goes to a corner and just dies because of how terrible the ending is.) My favorite part of this is how some of these are super unrealistically possible. (For example no one know what Ham's last words were or what went down in the room where it happened.) See you in my next fic! Bye.**


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